Things we wish we could insure against over the holidays

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some reasonably priced financial risk transference available to you for the hazards of the holidays?

Thursday, December 22nd 2016, 3:14PM

Obvious hazards like bad weather are actually insurable at some level, although no handy website exists to buy this cover so close to the big day. You might have to resort to another seasonal remedy: prayer.

Faking delight at another pair of awful socks might be easier if you knew that your ‘bad gift insurance’ was going to kick in, if only such a thing existed.

You just know without checking that the terms and conditions of every online store you have used will not admit any liability if they fail to deliver the gifts you ordered in time. Another opportunity to create “the on-time Santa rider” for some policy or other.

Likewise, no retail cover exists for the toys you bought for little ones being incomplete or faulty. You will probably get your money back, but on the big day the only remedy at hand will be to let them eat whatever they like and beat you hour after hour at backyard cricket.

On the subject of toys, I reckon there should be a Totally Weird Battery benefit offered. It was only as a parent that I discovered the truly vast range of button batteries that different toys can require – and the local service station won’t have.
If you’re travelling, one airline hazard not normally covered in travel insurance, but really should be is being seated next to a crying child on a plane, or a farting adult for that matter.

Heading to the beach presents challenges so predictable that they cannot be insured, no matter how much we wish they could be. You simply have to just expect being stuck for four hours in traffic driving out to the beach – and knowing it will likely happen on the way back home again in two weeks’ time. You’d still like it to be insured though.

Domestic strife cover should be available. I like the idea of phoning the claims hotline while some friends have an epic row about politics in the middle of Christmas dinner. Another claimable event should be the party drunk and telling a deeply inappropriate joke… punchline delivered just as you are attempting to shepherd the kids out of earshot.

Lastly, although catastrophe cover exists, we would prefer more risk avoidance on the part of people around the world. Humans can do really nasty things to each other, as pictures of Aleppo recently show. Although average levels of human wickedness form the background of most homilies on the Christmas season, whether they are delivered by the professional representative of the religion of your choice, or just a member of the family, it does seem like things are pretty bad at the moment. Still, they’re pretty good here. We’re too small to be a global cop, but we can at least be a good example. I wish you all peace and plenty for 2017.

Tags: Russell Hutchinson